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Relationship Advice: Letting Go as We Let Go of 2012
December 03, 2012

Here we are in December once again. Christmas music is on a loop and those of us procrastinators are feeling the Holiday rush. It can be a stressful time for couples and families attempting to get everything done, negotiate time with in-laws and realizing that maybe another year has gone by without really addressing the problems in the relationship.

It's time to let go of past behaviors, past hurts and start anew with action! See my tips for letting go as well as some new classes you can take in 2013!

Tools & Tips: Learning to Let Go

Learning to let go is tricky business. How does one let go of past hurts, resentments, fears? And, if we do let go, does it mean our hurts and needs are not important?

Letting go certainly does not mean that your hurts, your feelings and your needs are not important. It simply means that you're placing your mind and heart in a place of acceptance for what was and what is. You're letting go of the anger and the hurt that is getting in the way of you being close with your partner. You're opening up to the possibility of real change. Make no mistake, hanging on to past wounds is preventing you from real action!

Here are 5 steps for letting go:

Step One - Write about something that's been hurting you. Write about your anger, hurt, resentment, frustration. Pour it all out on the page. You can even get mean and petty if you want in your journal.

Step Two- Take responsibility for how you played a part in the interaction (yes, this often the hardest part!). It's not necessarily full or even 50% responsibility but there's always a part we play in our interactions with our partners. Sometimes it's something specific we did to wound our partner first. Sometimes it's that we didn't communicate our expectations. And, sometimes it's our own passivity that feeds the burning resentment that gets created over time.

Step Three - Boil down the specific hurt or need you have to communicate to your partner that would allow you to move toward forgiveness and take new action to prevent further damage. This may be as simple as an apology or as complex as asking for a commitment to a new set of behaviors that must occur in order for the relationship to work.

Step Four- Ask your partner to sit down with you. Tell him or her that you want to let something go and that you'd like his or her help. Then, in a succinct, non-critical way, share what you've been feeling and what you need from your partner to let the past go.

Step Five - If you get what you need from your partner, let the resentment go! Every time it enters your head, let it go. Pray for acceptance and healing. But commit to let it go. If you don't get what you need and you've done the best you could presenting it, consider meeting with a counselor to help.

Relationship Classes for 2013!

Stop Arguing and Start Communicating!

Are you tired of arguing all the time? Do you feel like your partner never listens to or understands you? Are you sick of having the same discussion over and over and feeling like it never gets resolved? Take this three week class for couples on effective communication. CLASS STARTS JANUARY 8TH

Click Here to Register and Find out More Information!

"Doing It" After the "I Do": How to Have a Hot Sex Life!

Whether couples have been together for a while or are just starting out, most want to know how to keep up the passion and romance. This class is designed to teach you how to jump start a dead or boring sex life and create passion and romance for a life time. Take this three week class for couples on effective communication. CLASS STARTS FEBRUARY 6TH

Click Here to Register and Find out More Information!

Book Recommendation: The Enneagram in Love and Work

Lately I've become interested in understanding personality through the use of the Enneagram, an ancient model of personalities. It's a remarkably accurate and useful tool for our personal growth and understanding.

In Helen Palmer's book, The Enneagram in Love and Work, she offers a perspective in how the different personalities illustrated by the Enneagram compliment and collide in our love relationships. It sheds light on some of the dynamics that are difficult to explain and helps couples get out of who's right and wrong and shift to trying to understand one another.

Want Even more Advice on Relationships?


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There's lots to read these days and certainly not enough time to read it all. Tuck this blog away for those times when you really need to read something to get perspective on your relationship.

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Also, I'm offering free articles to those who request them. Articles are entitled: "Communication: Making Your Relationship Work," "Building Closeness in Your Relationship." and "Affair-Proofing Your Marriage." Stay tuned for future articles on other topics available by request. Click on the following link to get your free articles!

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Thank you for sharing this journey in life and love with me.


Karen Holland, LMFT 4155 E. Jewell Avenue, Ste 703 Denver, CO 80222 (720) 210-5452/office & fax

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