Hello! It appears as though fall is finally here. I hope you all had a wonderful summer and are enjoying the season's changes.
In this issue, I share the "Stinkin' Thinkin'" traps that can get you in trouble in your relationships. I also share a review of the book "Love in 90 Days" which is a wonderful book for all of you looking to find the one.
Tools & Tips: Get Rid of Your Stinkin' Thinkin'
When we're in stressful situations with our partners, we all can fall victim to "Stinkin' Thinkin'"(ST). ST is the distortions in our thinking that keep us in a negative spin. See if you can find yourself in some of the following. And, if you do, notice and stop it. Our thoughts are very powerful. Once we shift our thoughts, our actions follow.
1. Tunnel Vision – When you filter out the important parts of the picture, usually the good part.
2. Assumed Intent - When you engage in mind reading or make assumptions about the motives, desires and feelings of your partner.
3. Magnifying – When you exaggerate or make things worse than they are, overgeneralizing
4. Global Labeling – When you pin a negative identity tag on your partner – stupid, lazy, crazy, selfish, etc.
5. Good vs. Bad – When you label behavior good or bad, right or wrong, instead of seeing the complex needs, feelings and motives that lie behind most behaviors.
6. Fractured Logic – When you make a big conclusion from very little evidence-- "Because s/he did this, it means that" (and that is usually something big and bad).
7.Control Fallacies – When you either assume you’re responsible for all the problems, or that you’re helpless and your partner’s responsible for fixing things.
8. Letting-it-out Fallacy – When you assume that your pain is your partner’s fault and think that s/he deserves to be punished for it.
Upcoming Couples Class
Next Couples Class starts Wednesday, October 13th If you know any couples who want to sharpen their communication skills, understand how gender influences how you connect, and find out more about what makes relationships strong and what tears them down, forward this newsletter!
Click here for more information or to sign up!
I've recently read a fantastic book for primarily people who are in the dating world and wanting to do it right this time. The book, Love in 90 days, takes love hopefuls on a journey in self esteem building, identifying what Dr. Diana Kirschner calls the Deadly Dating Patterns and dating no less than 3 people at a time. It provides logs, online dating advice and tons of exercises for support.
If you are someone or know someone who is struggling to find "the one", I highly recommend this book!
Want Even more Advice on Relationships?
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There's lots to read these days and certainly not enough time to read it all. Tuck this blog away for those times when you really need to read something to get perspective on your relationship.
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Also, I'm offering free articles to those who request them. Articles are entitled: "Communication: Making Your Relationship Work," "Building Closeness in Your Relationship." and
"Affair-Proofing Your Marriage." Stay tuned for future articles on other topics available by request. Click on the following link to get your free articles!
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Request for Referrals
As always, I'm looking to expand my practice so if you come across couples or individuals looking for a counselor, please pass along my name. I do pre-marital, couples and individual counseling. You can forward this newsletter or refer them to my
I hope you enjoyed reading. I look forward to seeing many of you in the coming weeks.
Karen Holland, LMFT
4155 E. Jewell Avenue, Ste 703
Denver, CO 80222
(720) 210-5452/office & fax
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