Tips To Save My Marriage

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Tips to Save My Marriage

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Having a successful, fulfilling marriage take something from each person in the relationship. Over the years doing this work and experience in my own marriage, I believe success comes down to essentially these five things:

Tip #1: Commitment

This is probably the most essential in any relationship you want to last for a life time. Because the truth is that over time, the intensity and the passion softens and sometimes your marriage just isn't that fun or rewarding. This can be due to life stressors or changes one or both of you are going through. Many couples I see don't feel like they're "in love" any more or feel disconnected. This is fairly normal in most long term relationships. If you interview people who have been married for 40 years, most will say that things weren't always smooth. There's really no way around it: Making a marriage last really comes down to making an overarching to commitment to the marriage as a whole and doing what it takes to make it work.

Tip #2: Emotional Maturity & Personal Growth

Essentially what this means is each person in the relationship is willing to grow in their ability to give to the other and to recognize each other's needs. Each person is also willing to take on their own personal growth or develop a larger purpose for their life. Growth can be little or big things, but overall it's each person's strive toward making their own personal lives healthy and fulfilling. The healthier you are as an individual, the more a contribution you are to the partnership. A bold question I like to ask myself from time to time is: What makes me worth being married to?

Tip #3: Seeking reconnection rather than separation when you are upset

This is a concept marriage researcher John Gottman explored in his work on what determines marital success. Moving towards each other, not away during or after arguments (and in general) is key to repairing the relationship and solving problems. What I often see with couples is that they withdraw from each other when they're upset or start to lead separate lives when they feel disconnected. Moving toward each other might be as simple as making sure you greet each other with a kiss/hug at the end of the day or laughing together at the end of an argument. It also means that when you're upset with your partner, that your mind is working on reconnecting or repairing not building evidence against them! For more on this see my article on what to do when you're angry. What to do with Anger during Arguments

Tip #4: Being 100% responsible for your words, actions and thoughts about your spouse/marriage

There's a myth out there that marriage is 50/50. In these last few decades, we have come to believe that people must contribute their half for the marriage to be whole. But, the truth is, as anyone who's been marriage long enough can attest, it's rarely ever 50/50. Sometimes over the years, one makes more money and does most of the housework. Sometimes when someone gets sick or is trying to advance their career or education, the other person picks up all the slack for childcare and running errands. This is what love and emotional maturity is all about. Being 100% responsible means that you are fully responsible for the whole of the marriage. It means that you are fully taking care of your marriage with your words said to your spouse or about your marriage to others. This means managing your negative thoughts when you're angry . It means that you actually have to stop blaming each other and start being willing to give up being "right" for the sake of the partnership. And it most certainly means being responsible for your actions by being faithful, loving and and a true friend to each other.

Tip #5: Recognize that you both have valid points of view that are just different

This point seems obvious but most of the time, most of us operate like we speak and think the "truth" about things. We assume our point of view about the world is more valid or "true" than others. It's funny, but humans believe their own thoughts above anything else! Most of us would agree that arguments stem from differing points of view, but arguments persist because we don't acknowledge that the other person has an equally valid point of view. One of things I like to practice is, "Okay that's your point of view, this is mine-- which one works best in this situation or, what do I need from you to just move on from this? (which is most often just validation or an "I can see that") I'm not saying it's easy. In fact, I think is probably the most difficult of the five. But, I've come to realize there really is such freedom in letting go of my point of view for the sake of closeness with my husband. And, I see such power in sessions when a husband or wife really validates the other's point of view. For more on this see my article about no resistance in communication. Communication Tips

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