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  • From Roommates to Playmates (Get back Sexual Intimacy)

20 Ways to Boost Intimacy

To make a relationship truly special, it’s important to focus on all the ways you can deepen your  emotional and physical intimacy.  The definition of intimacy is “close familiarity or friendship” and the verb intimate means “to make known.”  So, in order to be truly intimate with each other, there must be reciprocity, vulnerability, transparency and dialogue.

Consider the following questions:

  • How honest am I with my partner about how I feel about the relationship?
  • How much do I spend really talking with my partner about life, the world, our relationship?
  • How vulnerable am I with my partner? How much risk am I willing to take to be more open and receptive?
  • How much do I really give to or do for my partner?
  • How vulnerable, transparent and giving are we in our lovemaking? How do we talk about our sex life?

I’ll let those questions stir up things for you.  And, I’ll offer 20 ways to boost intimacy over the next month and year.  I challenge you to pick three and do them.  

  1. Share a fear, an embarrassing moment or  a silly thing you do when no one is watching.
  2. Share your favorite places to be kissed, a sexual fantasy or favorite erotic moment in a book or movie.
  3. Share a secret dream you’ve had if you had another life or career.
  4. Take turns doing something for each other (e.g. foot massage, cooking a meal, planning a special date the other person would totally love, giving each other a gift).  
  5. Write on a post-it note, the bathroom mirror, a note in a lunch three things about your partner that make you smile and/or feel really great.
  6. Be more intentional about using terms of endearment like “boo” “my queen” “baby” “loverbug” “sweetheart” “mi amor” etc.
  7. Have a conversation about a particular memory growing up, your hopes for your children or how you’re feeling about your career direction.
  8. Read a political article/book together or attend a lecture or a thought provoking movie.  Talk about it over dinner or coffee/dessert.
  9. Increase honesty and vulnerability by gently telling your partner three things that bug you about him/her and ask for three things that bug them about you.  
  10. Look into each other’s eyes for 5 minutes. You can take turns saying, “Being with you I notice...” or you can just smile and be with each other for a few minutes
  11. Dance in your living room to your wedding song.
  12. Put THE picture of your partner wherever you will most see it-- not necessarily their “best” picture but the one that captures their essence; the thing you love most about them.
  13. Set your ringtone for your partner as your special song or their voice saying something that just cracks you up (that you wouldn’t mind all the nearby shoppers in line hearing).    
  14. Spend an evening looking back on fun memories like wedding photos, vacation photos, etc.
  15. Take 20 minutes each just doing a slow naked massage/caress (Get more instructions here for the Partner Caress exercise)
  16. Ask each other questions about favorite foods, books, movies, childhood memories, etc.  See John Gottman’s Lovemap apps (iTunes or Android) or click here to get a list of questions adapted from one of his books.
  17. Share a particularly painful or difficult memory that you had with work, in childhood or school.  
  18. Do something really kind for one of your your partner’s family members.
  19. Sign up for a class or event together that would make you feel slightly uncomfortable (dance lessons, rock climbing, hiking 14er, spanish lessons, cooking classes, etc.)
  20. Write/Rewrite your wedding vows (or find your original ones if you have them) and say them aloud to each other. 
  21. Be good to each other. Give more. Be the love you wish to see in your relationship.  

    You really could create something very special. 

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