What Have You Done For Me Lately?

There's certainly a lot written about how to be giving in relationships. Check back next blog post, and I'll be writing more about that too. But, there's also value in learning how to ask for exactly what we want; to consider the question "what have you done for me lately?"

The concept of "enlightened selfishness", developed by Dr. Diana Kirschner, teaches us three things: One, we all need to learn how to be given to. Two, we are deserving of deep, pampering kind of love. And, three, we need to train our partners how to meet our emotional needs.

I so often hear from especially women with whom I work that they just want their partners to "get it." They don't want to have to ask because, well, "it defeats the purpose" or it "isn't as special."

But here's the truth: Our partners don't often get it and it's usually not because they don't want to. It's that they aren't YOU. They have a whole different perspective on the world and may have different needs. Secondly, over time, when a couple learns to meet each other's needs and learns how to regularly tune in, they don't have to ask as much either! How cool is that!

Asking for what we want and need isn't always easy. We can feel like we don't deserve it or we don't want to "burden" the other person. It can feel downright uncomfortable to be pampered. But, I can tell you from experience that it feels so good for both people-- the giver and the receiver. Think about it- don't you just love giving someone exactly what they want?

So, here's a starter list of ideas that can help you add balance to your relationship- one of giving and receiving:

Ask your partner to:
1. Make dinner and clean up every night for a week.
2. Prepare you a bubble bath and have a glass of wine or tea waiting for you when you get home.
3. Surprise you with a really great night out where s/he sets up all the details based on things you would love to do.
4. Give you an hour long foot or back rub.
5. Let you sleep in all weekend and to take care of the kids/other obligations for you.
6. Send you out for a night on the town with the boys or the girls (or to an afternoon spa day).
7. Hold your hand while you're sitting on the couch watching TV or reading.
8. Read to you from your favorite work of fiction, poetry or a great magazine article.

The list is endless and can be as creative or simple as you wish. Give your partners a chance to know what you need and to give to you, in exactly the way you want! Your relationship will thank you.

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I Cook, you clean up Not rated yet
I felt just the way you explained. I didn't want to ask, he should "know!". However, once I started asking specifically for small things like, "hey …

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